


5 Times the world thought Clint and Tony were dating (plus one time they definitely weren’t)

by Drarry_it_is



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, And Wanda and Pietro and all of them aren’t there, Bruce chockes on things all the time, But sam is here too, Clint and Tony are strictly bros, F/M, I tried not to make it too graphic, It’s all a joke, M/M, Minor Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, NOT the thing you think it is, Team as Family, This is a family-friendy book everyone, Violence, also just imagine that we’re back to AA, bc i needed somebody to be a silly goose, but i may have failed, well sorta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2019-09-28 15:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17185787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drarry_it_is/pseuds/Drarry_it_is
Summary: Based off of a picture I saw on Instagram, except that the end isn’t there and I got way to carried away.Clint, bored at the avengers press conference: And lastly, thank you Tony for giving me aids.Tony, scrambling to the nearest mic: HEARING AIDS, I GAVE HIM HEARING AIDS!(obviously Tony wouldn’t answer like that)





	1. The one that started it all

**Author's Note:**

> Saw this one on instagram, all credit goes to the person that came up with the prompt!
> 
> I own nothing except my phone and my brain!

This really wasn't Clint fault, no, really, it wasn't. If it wasn’t for the press conference being so boring then Clint would've had listened and all of this wouldn’t have happened. 

It was late afternoon, and the Avengers had just smashed a couple of hundred spitting snails that Mr. Doom had been kind enough to send.

They'd thought that was that. So everyone went back to the tower and got changed. But apparently that wasn’t the case. 

A bus full of school kids from the Midtown school of science had almost been melted and completely destroyed after Hulk had thrown one of the snails. The busload of kids had been going to Oscorp for a field trip, and their teacher had missed the restrictions and sadly driven a bit too far into the war zone. They were all fine now, a bit shaken, non the less. But still, fine.

Apparently that wasn't enough for the public, because they were now speculating on whether everything really was as safe as they once thought. 

So now the team had to reassure the city of New York that no, the giant acid-spitting snails weren’t coming back. And yes, everyone was safe, and would continue on being safe thanks to the Avengers. And how do you do that, you may ask?

A press conference, of course. 

The reporters had soon gotten over the whole almost-melting-a-bus scenario thanks to Tony’s quick wit and just over all charm. And were now just asking question in general about the Avengers tower and the team and how Steve was adapting to the 21-st century. (That he had answered so awkwardly that the reporter had politely cut him off halfway and Clint, Tony and Thor had died of laughter.) 

But, now Steve was off about some morally right shit that nobody cared about anyway and they’d sat in the same spot for about an hour and a half. So nobody could blame Clint for becoming a bit bored of it all. 

So he promptly decided that he would have to find his own way of entertaining himself. And there really was only one thing that would do just that.  

Fucking with everybody of course. 

And, you see. Tony had given him these new hearing aids that would be able to pick up about 99% as much sound as any normal ear and they were much more comfortable and made with a material that you could bend. So he could have them and the little earpiece for the comms in one ear and actually _hear_ what the fuck was going on. 

So Clint decided that he was going to test his limits, and blurted out 

“And lastly, thank you Tony for giving me aids.” Into the nearest mic. 

He thought that Tony would splutter and justify it by saying some thing along the lines of “Oh for fucks sake Barton, it was hearing aids.” But nope. 

“You are most welcome, _honeybuns_.” Was what came out of the billionaires mouth instead.

Bruce promptly choked on his water, and the scandalised look on Steve’s face was the funniest thing that Clint had ever seen. But there was something else in there. _Jealousy?_

Naaah, Clint thought as he stood up to finally get to leave and do something fun, maybe force the team to have a movie night? Yeah, he would do that. Steve could coax Tony to come out of his workshop. Hell, the man could probably get Tony to get on his knees and beg for all he knew.

And with that thought, he forced himself to get back into the real world. Where Sam, Thor and Tony stood arguing about pizza toppings. The aids-joke log forgotten.

                                                                         ___________________________________________

Apparently, the internet hadn’t forgotten thought. Because when Natasha opened the newspaper the next day. The joke was on the front page, along with the very obnoxious title.

“Hawkeye and Iron Man, the new power-couple of the year?” 

Natasha almost flipped past it, but after reading the title sat up straight, and read the title again very closely. 

Of course she remembers the joke, but it was just a joke. Well it didn't matter now because the internet obviously hadn't forgotten about it, and  it was blackmail material for both Clint and Tony, and she didn’t back down to that. 

So she held the paper up so that the page was very much visible, and cleared her throat. 

"Something you got to tells us, Stark, Barton?"

7 heads turned towards Natasha, and all of them a bit confused until they read what was plastered on the pice of paper. 

Clint and Tony just stared out into blank space for a second, before dissolving into laughter that made their eyes water. Sam soon followed and the three were rolling around on the floor laughing. Bruce was, once again, chocking on something. This time though, tea was the liquid thing that he needed to cough back up.  

Thor first looked stricken, but soon took on a joyous expression and boomed. 

"Why have you not told us about your noble relationship of love, we must celebrate it with a big feast!" 

At that, Tony, Clint and Sam laughed even harder than before. 

Under all of this commotion, Steve hadn't said a word. First, he'd gone all red, the blush spreading down his neck. But after the initial shock, he'd been more irritated than any thing else. 

Natasha took very closely note of that. 

After Tony, Clint and Sam were sure they wouldn't die from lack of air. And Bruce had gotten thumped on the back by a still very-much grinning Thor, it got quiet. 

"You know, if you want it taken down, I'm sure Fury could fix that." Steve said, at last. 

"Nope, I'm hanging this in the front room." Clint countered. Still very much not over the fact that the public thought he and Tony were a thing. 

"Ok, whatever you say" Steve muttered, almost covering his disappointment. But not quite all of it. And definitely not for a person that haven't been trained to read a human inside out. 

"Yeah, no, not deleting that Capsicle. This is fucking gold." Tony said, who had since recovering from his laughter-attack. Gotten up and was on his way towards the doorway. Probably time for another 36-hour shift in the workshop. That only Steve could break, weirdly enough. 

"Also, see ya in a day, or two, i dunno." 

He got a few goodbyes, and a very suggesting "goodbye sugarbear" from Clint who then started to chuckle again. 

Natasha sighted, what a fucking team she was a part of. 

 

* * *

 


	2. Trading is fun (not for Steve tho)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small confession started a massive disagreement, and a trade was in place. 
> 
> Well, that depends on what "big disagreement" means for you.
> 
> (Or the one where Steve doesn't like fried chicken)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the first chapter has some misspellings and I'm just not using the correct grammar. But I'm gonna finish the whole book and then edit the chapters to make them better! Also sorry for not posting anything but I've been busy with school after winter break, I'm back tho and I'm gonna update more from now on! 
> 
> I don't own anything except for the words!

Now, you see, once again it wasn't Clint's fault. This time it was actually Natasha that could be blamed for all of the chaos that came up once the picture was online. 

It all started out on a Saturday afternoon, a lazy afternoon, that was. The sun was just about to go down, when Natasha stood up, finally done with her training of the day.

She was in a good mood today, which was weird because Natasha was  _never_ in a good mood. She didn't feel happiness and she had a black heart. (Or that was at least what Clint had said when she had declined playing Mario cart at 3 AM on a Friday night) 

As she took her water bottle, sweat towel and yoga mat. She thought of how the team hadn't had a team night in a while. With Thor being away to Asgard to look after his brother, Tony hiding in his workshop with his next (or 50) newest project, and Bruce who had flown to India for a week doing god knows what. They all needed some downtime, and a fun team bonding night would be perfect for that. Seeing as the city were, at the moment, not being attacked by anything. Why not have one tonight? 

With that final thought, she left to go shower and change into new clothes. The gym doors closing behind her with a gentle swish. 

                                                                                    ____________________

After she had showered and put on some sweatpant (And yes, despite what Tony tried to convince every new SHIELD-worker that would ever see her, she did wear sweatpants. Just ones with built in pockets that always contained a knife or two.) She turned her step towards the lift that would take her to Clint's floor. 

She knew that Clint would totally be on board with the whole team dinner thing. And acually be onboard with it, not just saying he was because she could kill him in 0.4 seconds. After she had kicked him in the balls one time when he didnt agree on pizza for dinner, he usually said yes to whatever she proposed. 

Anyway, that really wasn't important now because he had been chattering about doing something as a team for a while, so this would be right up his alley. Also she could easily convince Steve to drag Tony and Bruce up from the depths of hel-i mean their labs and workshops. Thor was also easily convinced, just say that there would be pop-tarts at the location. And you could guarrante that he would be there. 

The elevator swished open with a gentle ping from JARVIS, she got in and requested that she would be taken to floor 95. Her only response was the elevator doors closing and starting to move upwards. She swayed a bit on the spot, letting herself down from the pin-straight posture she usually had. After all, a spy is always on her A-game, no matter what. Well, except for now. 

The elevator came to a stop and she got out, immediately entering the kitchen and connected living room off Clint's floor. The place was empty, which it usually was unless he was either sleeping, in his private shooting range or angry at the team for some reason which she absolutely had no idea of.  

While it really could've been either one of those, she went with the most likely one. 

Surprisingly, his bedroom was empty when she peered her head around the doorway, welp, that only left one place, the shooting range. 

The first sound she heard when she opened the doors, were the swish of an arrow slicing through the air and lading on a mark with a small thud. 

"Hey Clint, wanna have a team night and force Steve to watch very sexual movies?" She proposed once the arrow-shooting had stopped. He paused abruptly from taking another arrow from his case on his back. And started talking a mile a minute. 

"Yes omg Natasha that's the best thing you have ever thought of since you asked Thor if he'd seen Star Wars! Absolutely - let me just finish up here and then we can force the team to the common level - hold on - just wait a second ok?" Before going back to shooting at what appeared to be a moving person that JARVIS had produced. 

Well, at least he seemed excited enough, she though as she threw a goodbye and a promise to see him later over her shoulder. He didn't answer, but she guessed he'd already gotten back into his "zone" or whatever it was. Either way she was now going to the common room and threaten the person there until they agreed that a team night was a great idea. And nobody could stop her. 

                                                                                  _________________________

That night, everybody gathered in the kitchen of the common room at 7 sharp. 

Well, except for Tony that is. He was forced out of his workshop by Steve. And showed up just as dinner was ready at 7.30. But his hair was still wet from showering (Steve had exclaimed that it smelled like a mix of motor oil and old smoothies, which, let's be real, wasn't that far from the truth than Steve wanted to believe.) and had a fresh pair of clothes on. So they counted the 30 minute delay worth it. 

After they'd all sat down, and finally began to eat Bruce’s delicious korma (Like really, was it even legal to make such good food?). They were now in a very heated debate over chicken. Fried chicken more speficially.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LIKE FRIED CHICKEN??!" Tony and Clint exclaimed in perfect sync at the now pretty alert Steve Rogers. Meanwhile Bruce who had just been taking a bite of his food would soon find curry-rice in his air way. 

They all had been complementing Bruce's chicken-abilitys when Steve had blurted out that he liked all chicken except for fried. And after that it had just been a war zone all around.  

"What? I just don't like fried chicken? It’s not like it’s the end of the world." Steve said. Quite carelessly and not really getting the seriousness of the whole situation. Meanwhile Tony and Clint now had Sam to back them up. 

"YES IT FUCKING DOES-" Sam had shouted and Steve had a wounded look on his face after that outburst. "I KNOW THAT I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND AND ALL OF THAT BUT JESUS CHRIST DUDE." 

Steve just sat and sulked for a bit. Before Natasha, came up with a brilliant idea. 

"Why aren't we just doing a trade instead, like Steve has to say he likes fried chicken and Tony and Clint has to do something back?" 

"That seems like a fair and rightful trade to me lady Natasha" Thor proclaimed, while scooping up rice on his fork with his right hand and once again thunkng Bruce's back with his left. 

"Wait Sam was in on this too! Why is it always me that gets the bad shit." Clint said, but with such a defeated voice that they all knew that the trade was accepted.

"So what is this 'trade' that we now have to do?" Tony asks. 

"Well, you see this thing that you and Clint aparantly have going on, is trending right now. So why not just go all the way and "leak" a picture of one of you kissing the other one on the cheek huh?"

Thor was looking about as happy as a man could possibly be, Natasha had her usual i-am-way-smarter-than-you-idiots look on and Sam also looked happy, well, more relived than anything else. 

The same thing could not be said about the rest of them. Bruce, who had recovered from the curry-rice-in-his-throat situation, was just taking a sip of water. And promptly began chocking. Again.

Tony and Clint were once again rolling on the floor laughing, tough this time it was about Bruce and Steve. 

Because Steve was as red as a tomato, and had a utmost scandalized expression on. That was just too good to not laugh at. 

"That is fucking priceless, but who’s kissing who? Well i guess I kiss everybody so it have to be Clint." Tony said inbetween his fits of laughter. 

"Why c-can’t we - oh my god your expression Steve - both just do it?" Clint forced out meanwhile was dying of laughter as well. 

“YEAH! We both can kiss each other! That is almost a good idea bird brain.” 

“Wow, thank you for the compliment.” Clint grumbled as he now had gotten the underlying meaning behind the statement. 

“You are most welcome, _babe_.” Tony said while watching Natasha take out her brand new Stark-phone (disguised as a blueberry, of course). 

Natasha had finally gotten her phone up and now she, Thor and Sam was discussing camera angels. 

Steve was sitting quiet at his end of the table and breathing very exaggeratedly. 

“So how do we actually do this? Like are you or me going first?” Clint exclaimed, a  bit confused and awkward. 

“You can go first, ill just sit here and smile. Yeah, you have to look happy aswell. No not like you want to murder me, yes! Exactly like that.” Tony said, and then added after seeing Clint facial expression. 

“Ok boys, say cheese” Sam said and just a second later the flash went of and the photo saved itself on the camera roll. 

"See, that wasnt so bad was it? Now Let Tony kiss you Clint." Natasha said, while preping for another photo. 

Once again, Sam counted down and soon a small click filled the room, acknowledging that the photo was, indeed, taken. 

The sound of a glass being crushed also filled everyones ears. 

"OK, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Clint exclaimed while looking around trying to find the source of the sound. His eyes landed on Steve who were now holding a small shatter in his hand, water all over his trousers, and blood already dripping off from his hand. 

"Holy fuck are you ok?" Tony said while swiftly moving around the table to take Steves hand in his own and in spectate the wound.

Steve just sat quiet, looking down on his hand while having a almost apologetic look on his face. 

"Ye - yeah, im good. Just forgot i had super strength, that's all." 

"How can you even forget having superstrength, that doesn't make any sense?" Tony said, all the while walking Steve towards the sink and slowly washing his bleeding hand. 

Steve just shrugged, and while he still looked like he just dropped his icecream. He didn't have that devastated look anymore. And it got better when Tony leant into his personal space to lightly pluck away all the leftover bits. 

What they didn't notice however, was how Natasha and Bruce quickly ushered everybody out of the room. And Natasha stopping just in the doorway, taking a quick picture of them.

And they didn't notice both posts being uploaded to Twitter and Instagram. Yes, i said both. 

Because the first one is of Tony and Clint kissing each other, and the second one is of Tony and Steve, talking while Tony plucks sharp glass out of Steve's hand. 

The Steve and Tony post got more likes. 

                                                                                         __________________

 


	3. The kidnapping (and what came out of it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very un-organized kidnapping while the Avengers were out on a spontaneous shopping trip makes their lives all the more entertaining, and, a hell of a lot more worrying. 
> 
> The obligatory kidnapping chapter, now including Steve breaking things, and Bruce chocking on things. 
> 
> All as per usual, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !WARNING!  
> There are violence in this chapter! I tried not to make it too grapic but if you are sensitive to that stuff, then this chapter might not be for you! 
> 
> Once again, sorry for not posting as much as id like to be. But school has been eating me up and with match-season in full swing with my floor ball and swimming i just haven't gotten that much time. Also i made this chapter way to big for just a casual thing. But its hard when you want to write and more and more but can't because you still have 3 chapters to go. Anyway lets just stop with the whining. 
> 
> I present: A angry-as-fuck Steve, self-sacrificing Tony, and a cute, but still slightly weird picture that led to the internet having a field trip. Enjoy! 
> 
> Nothing is mine except the words!

The avengers, were very busy people. Well, that's not as true as you might think. But they still saved the city once in a while. And had hour long press conferences that were sooooo boring (read: Clint, Sam, Thor, anybody who's ever been to a press conference). But regardless, they were still pretty busy people. 

So a free day was not going to be wasted just sitting around moping about in the tower. Plus both Bruce and Steve _had_  to go get some new pants or else Tony would not be able to be in the same room as them. Ever. 

That's why, when the call came in that Fury had, to everyones surprise (and slight worry). Canceled their usual tactics talk, the Avengers were over the moon about it. And they decided that a casual and completely random shopping trip would be a perfect way to celebrate it. After all, what could possibly go wrong? 

Everything, apparently. 

They had arrived in separate cars, just incase one of the car drivers actually were a spy. At least Tony and hopefully everyone else could alert SHIELD and Fury about the situation. Because Tony would not be driven by anyone else except for Happy. But if there were any spies, they didn't reveal themselves just yet. And the ride to the mall went surprisingly smooth. 

They arrived and went into the first clothing shop they could find, security had closed off parts of the mall. If any of the Avengers were going out in public, there would be a massive crowd, and now that the whole team was in the same public place. Well the city of New York would probably be standing around them if it weren’t for security shutting of a bit of the mall. 

The clerks came around and were of course delighted to have the Avengers in their shop. One of the clerks didn’t seem particularly happy though, while he sure did try to seem cheery and helpful, they all knew that he wasn’t their biggest fan. 

“So what do you actually have?” Tony asked Steve while idly looking through khaki-pants in mostly different shades of military colours. 

“Well I have pants, shirts and a pair of shoes.” Steve listed off while glancing at the jeans section and looking awfully shifty. “I guess I could get some other pants?” 

“Yeah you definitely need more, plus you haven’t even gotten fitted for a proper tuxedo yet. - what kind of poor service did SHIELD have?” Tony muttered while picking out clothes that he then handed to Steve to hold. Some he kept for himself as well. 

After picking out a couple of shirts as well, they shuffled towards the changing room where Bruce already was stationed trying out clothes that Natasha had picked. 

Steve went into the changing room and soon shouted that he needed a bigger size, at the same time that Bruce was done with a pair of pants so Tony and Clint both went out into the store to hunt for a bigger size and to leave the pants of it’s hanger. 

There seemed to had been a change in personal based on the fact that almost all of the clerks now was giving them very obvious death stares but still staying away from them. Tony had just found the right size and was standing on his toes to get it down from the hanger, while Clint was on the side laughing his ass of and providing _no_ help. 

Suddenly Clints laughing stopped abruptly, and Tony had just started to turn when he felt something hard and cold crash pretty hard on the back of his head, and the lights dimmed and the world swimmed away. 

                                                                                                                               __________________

He came to when someone showed him a little to hard onto a cold, hard concrete floor. He layed completely still for a while, waiting for someone to either close the door and leave or punch him, thankfully it was the first as he soon heard a clicking noise. 

Now, he was acounted with kidnappings, granted the biggest and most noteable one was Afghanistan, but he still got kidnapped once in a while. With the whole Billonare, genius thing he did have a reputation to either get kidnapped because they needed money, or acually wanted him to build things for them. Once in a while they wanted both, but that was a rare ocurrence. In conclusion he had gotten kidnapped before, and knew way more about what to do an not to do than what he let up. 

That is also why he took his time, once every miute twitching his arms and legs, slowly rolling his neck searching for broken bones and anything that could indicate a conussion or braindamage. 

After he was done making sure he wasn't going to die anytime soon, he slowly opened his eyes and looked around in what looked like a small cell. The walls were concrete, so was the floor and about everything else, there was a small device, what he soon recognised to be a camera. That was monted up on the wall where a concrete door also excisted. He was pretty sure that the door would not be moved and probably had about 60 different locks on it to prevent him and whatever was in this cell from escaping. 

He finally started to strech out and when his arm hit something warm and fuzzy he may or may not have let out a very manly scream. And if that didn’t wake up whatever it was then the flailing arm that hit it’s head certainly did. 

"What the fuck is this? And could you please shut up? Getting hit with a metal pole isn't the easiest to cope with. Jezz" 

Tony had never been more happy to see/hear Clint than what he was now. Or, well, Clint was usually the one to get takeout on the way back to the tower and Tony just really loved his fried chicken. When he had declared his love towards both Clint and fried chicken, saying that he would marry Clint while standing _in_ a sea of fried chicken. Bruce decided that a french fry would be the death of him, sadly he was unable to do so as Thor had given him the Heimlic manover and he had magically survived. 

Whatever, he was glad that he didnt get to suffer alone. 

"Shut up Legolas, it’s not my fault i wasn't expecting to feel a fucking fuzzy head while being kidnapped." Tony answered, but they both knew he wasnt a bit irritated that Clint was there. 

"Yeah, well whatever, also you screamed like that one chick i had in Belgium." Clint answered, while slowly sitting up and leaning backwards until his back hit the wall. 

"Ew, for fucks sake Barton, please don't ever compare me to someone you once fucked, ever." Tony said with a grimace. 

"Oh no, i killed her." The smug fucker replied, while slowly standing up. Walking around the walls trying to find any clue as to where he is, what the fuck is happening and how they would get out. 

"That doesn't make it any better." Tony sighted, also standing up and looking around the darkly lit room, only a very old and dirty lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. It was blinking and would problably die any minute now. 

"No, well it’s  the truth so you're just gonna have to accept it." Clint replied while pulling a grimace into the camera. His eyes swept through the room and slowed down on the far back corner of the cell. Slowly walking over to it and bending over, pulling something up with him when he stood up. He made his way back to Tony (Which only was like 3 steps but whatever) who had noticed Clint had found something. 

He dropped something on the floor in front of him, which looked like a circuite-card and some tools, and a big piece of metal. Tony just stared down at the pile and then slowly trailing his gaze up towards Clints face.   
  
"Are you kidding me? How stupid can they possibly be?" He said, almost wonder in his voice. 

"I dunno, but what i do know is that we should hide it beacuse i hear steps coming down the hall.” Clint answered while moving to bend down and once again hide it in the far back corner. He pushed the last piece back and then sat directly in front of it, resting his back against the wall so the scraps of metal and tools were between his back and the wall. Invicible to the captors unless they moved him. 

The door opened with a big click and a small guy with two big guards on either side of him entered. 

"Well if it isnt the Jonas brothers, nice to see you're in shape." Tony drawled, immediately dragging their attention towards him. The guards just grunted and one of them closed his fist in a I'm-gonna-punch-you way, but that was the only reaction he got. 

"I’m guessing you either want money, my genius or just to torture us. I would like to also point out that my company have a strict no-ransom policy, so if you're gonna torture one of us, it’s gotta be me." He went on, Clint sitting in corner, his eyes widening when he understood the meaning behind it and wanted to say something, but decided against it. 

"Very well, then, take him." The small man told the bigger guards, who moved further into the cell to grab Tonys arm. 

"Ohh, okay we doing it the rough way, not the biggest fan of BDSM but it'll do, very nice arms you have here, I'm sure you've had to torture very many innocent people to get where you are now." 

The guard did nothing except to force him down onto a metal chair and strap him to it with very easily breakable straps. 

"What? Aren't you gonna talk? C'mon i know you can do it, i wonder if your first word would be 'mama' like everyone else or if it would be something along the lines of 'pain'?" 

That earned him a punch to the face. 

"Well shit, now we're really getting into it, you wanna dirty talk while you beat the living shit out of me? Cause i can totally do it." Tony said, now a little bit slured and forced as the blood in his mouth made it difficult to talk. 

"Shut up."

                                                                                                       ___________________

When he got thrown into the cell that Clint was sitting in, Clint was imediately up on his feet to try and supress the fall as good as he was able to. A bloody, wet and messy excuse of a human was thrown into his arms. (They decided that Tony would get a chance to revisit his old friend waterboarding, Tony was not very pleased with that decision.)

Clint made a suprised noice and slowly sat him down on the floor as the guard closed the door with a bang. While Clint took off Tony’s way to expensive Armani suitjacket to use as a temporary bandage to try and cool down his cut on his leg, Tony was trying to say someting. 

"Ja...uuurrhhg - jacket, ke-eys." He forced out while puking more water than the was in the whole Thames river. Clint still got the hint and started to dig around in the left pocket, he pulled up a whole set of keys, hanging in one loop with a plush-moose attached to it. Clint sniggered a bit but didn't do much else. 

Meanwhile Tony had come back to earth again and tried to set his leg all on his own, which didnt work out too well because his hands were shaking too bad. 

"Wa-wait! The caaaamera?" He said, his voice shaking from pain. 

"It’s all fixed, and i'm pretty sure there's no mic on this thing, said some pretty nasty stuff sooo shouldn't be a problem." 

"Oh.. neat" Tony answered back as he saw the camera had been covered up with a pair of black boxers... with arrows and bows on it. Tony was guessing it was clint's, and that was a scary thought. 

"Yeah isn't it, also, don't worry about my balls, it's not like it's freezing or anything." Clint complained, while he was tying the suitjacket to Tony's leg. 

"Shut up, isn't it enough that i have to stare at your boxers, with _arrows and bows_ on them." Tony shot right back, tough it wasn't as snarky and sarcastic as it usually was. Well that's worrying. 

"Yeah but i'm pretty sure that my dick has retracted into my body, so excuse me for fucking complaining." 

"You didn't even have that much to begin with. Sure it isn't just your natural state?"

"Fuck off, firstly let me tell you my dick is fucking phenomenal ok?" Clint answered, now done with tying the jacket and trying to mop up the blood from his head. 

"And second of all, who is the one who's beaten up?" 

"Oh really, damn you really sunk to a new low, plus it’s not very nice to beat up people who just got waterboarded." Tony teased back, now a little more forced as he was trying to stand while having a very-likely broken foot. Clint sat him down again and started setting his leg, saying when it was gonna hurt and after when he wasn't gonna do anything. 

After he was done he got up and took the keys and started to open each lock, one by one, until there was only about 10 locks left, but no matter how many keys he tried none of them opened the last ones. Sadly he got back to Tony, who had started playing around with the scraps of metal and wires. 

"Every lock is opened except for 10 that i couldn't get open, you sure you can’t just call the suit and get us out of here?" He asked stated. 

"No can do birdbrain, we’re either too far away or underground, and even if we were in the radius then it could take up to a day or more for it to arrive." Tony answered, a bit distracted as he was clipping a few wires apart and inspecting them. 

"But i do belive we can make it out, if i have any luck with this." He finally said, whilst holding up a small device, with one end of a red cable still hang out of it. 

 "What is that? Is it a bomb?!" Clint exclaimed while backing up against the wall. 

"Yes, but don't worry it won’t do anything except break the door open, so you just pick up whatever weapon you can find and park your pretty little ass and tiny dick in the corner, while i do all the work." Tony proposed, though it wasn't really a suggestion and really more of an order. But Clint grabbed a metal pole and sat himself in the corner none the less. 

"Tony opened his top 3 buttons on his was-white-once-upon-a-time shirt and started screwing on something on the arc reactor. He finally got it loose enough to connect the red cable into a small socket and twist with an old, rusty plier. Once that was done, he sat back and started slowly counting down from 30. 

"30, 29, 2- oh also bird brain you have to pull this cable off of my arc reactor or otherwise i'll die, 100%. So as soon as this blows, untwist it and then you can leave me." Tony said, a bit out if breath but nothing major. 

"Uhhh, WAIT WHAT is that connected to the arc reactor!?? Imeanyeswhateveryousay." Clint exclaimed, clearly not expecting that level of seriousness. 

"5, 4, 3, 2, o-" Tonys speech was cut off with a loud bang and smoke bolming into the air, Clint jumped forard and quickly twisted the red thread out and away from the arc reactor. All the while coughing as dark grey smoke filled the small cell. Clint dropped down to the floor and crawled over to Tony, who was also coughing for his life, but his coughing was more erratict and deep. 

"I’m just gonna drag you out into the hallway and the we could try to get you to stand ok?" Clint said, whilst slowly standing up on his feet and bending down to take Tony under his shoulders, slowly dragging him towards the now exploded door. 

Out in the hallway it was eeirly quiet, the only sound being Clint’s steps and the sound that dragging a body across the ground did. On the plus side the air was much more clearer and Clint could finally breathe again. He took Tony over his shoulder, but not without warning the guy that his sense of gravity was about to be completely off. 

 "Uuurrghh..." Was all that came out of his mouth before he threw up, just managing to not get it on Clint’s shirt. 

"Reactor... hea-artattack th- thirtyyy miiiiinnnn." He also got out, convinetely telling Clint that he was eccentialy going to die if he didn't change out his reactor in 30 minutes or less. 

"WHAT. THE. FUCK?" Clint started, all the while moving swiftly through the corridoors, occasionally stopping to bang his metal pole against someones skull, as one does. 

"Why do i have to do this, why couldn't it be Bruce, he's good with this kind of stuff. Oh goddammit." 

As Clint turned the corner he came to an abrupt stop, as there was a wall of about 10 very darkly clad guards, all 6'0 or over, and clearly not on the good side. He slowly backed up until his back hit the wall. He dropped Tony onto the cold stone floor and put his pole inbetween him and them. After a few seconds of nothing, one of the guards moved forward and Clint quickly moved into action. 

He was kicking people while he was punching guys with both his metal pole and hands, but after a while he was way to tired to continue, there was about 5 guards left who wasn't either knocked out or had something broken and had to sit down and get medical help. Clint though that personally he did a good job. 

"Oh come on, not again, didn't you already knock me out? Dammit, i swear to god one of these days I'm gonna make sure to get Bruce with me, or Thor. Eihter of them works just fine." 

Clint didn't get much further as one of the guards were knocked out and flew into the wall just where Tony layed, Tony now looking more sweaty, cold and overall sicker. A blue, red and white shield flew into the second guy, not giving him a warning until it sliced _through_ the guards arm. 

It went to shit for the bad side really quick, once Natasha and Thor was by Steve’s side, and now making the guards drop like pins in a matter of minutes. Steve went over to the wall where Tony was slumped, and tried to shake him awake, but to no avail. 

"He won’t wake up! How did you even escape?! What are we going to do?" He asked, panic clear in his voice. He was already lifting Tony bridalstyle into his arms as if he was made of paper. Which judging by Tonys calorie intake the last couple weeks, wasn't as far from the truth as he would like it. 

"He hooked up his arc reactor to a homemade bomb, got waterboarded before that, and is gonna have a heart attack in about 15 minutes if we dont switch it out." Clint explained, as camly as he could. Which wasn't calm at all as it was Clint.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" Steve exclaimed, and started to run towards the exit, or what Clint guessed was the exit atleast, Natasha took ahold of her little ear-comm and started explaining to Bruce what happened and told him to have an arc-reactor ready in tops 10 minutes, all the while trying to not make him Hulk out. 

Bruce, who had been sipping on what Natasha thought was a glass of water, started chocking on it as soon as she said arc-reactor. Of course she couldn't see him but unless he was getting a blowjob, he was chocking on something. Maybe he was giving a blowjob? No he answered when she asked him something, so he was definitely just drinking something. 

"Blergh.. hmm, hmm, uh, yes?" Bruce answered once he was done chocking, and Natasha nodded once and looked up again, to see a new wave of very-darkly-clad-and-generally-bad-looking-guys walk towards them. She got into a fighting stance immediately and they were off again. 

                                                                                                       ___________________

Meanwhile back in the helicarrier, Bruce was pacing back and forth waiting on Steve to come barging in with Tony, the helicarrier wasn't that far away from the buliding that Tony and Clint was held in, but it was deep underground and not even the iron man signals could reach that far. 

Another 2 minutes went by and Bruce went back to sipping his water, standing ready with the new arc-reactor, a hospital bed with a IV-needle in his other hand. Suddenly the door is slammed open and Steve comes running into the room, dumping Tony on the bed and looking expectanly at Bruce. Bruce chockes on his water but ignores that in favor of ripping Tonys shirt open. Forcing the Hulk down with the motivation that the captors are already dead and Tony needs Bruce more than Hulk. He immediately gags when he sees the state of the arc-reactor.

A big chunk of it is almost burned black with ash and the glass proteting the acual reactor has almost melted completely. Bruce looks for the small screws that he knows is on the side of the arc reactor and grabs his special screwdriver which was one out of three that worked, and needed his, Pepper, Rhodey, Tony himself or Happy’s fingerprint for the little tip of it to come out. After he was done screwing it out he twisted it just a bit and when he heard the click, pulled it out. 

He already had a pair of medical gloves on and he asked Steve to hook him up to the machine that read all of his vitals, put a oxygenmask over his mouth and then see if he could ask Jarvis to send a suit to pick up either Clint or Natasha, seeing as he would like to get back to the tower ASAP, where Helen and the other doctors would be waiting. 

Steve did just that with a slight nod to his head, and Bruce went back to quickly cleaning the edges, getting them back to it’s clean, metal state. Once that was over, he took the new reactor, placed it gently into the socket, got it connected to the plate with a slight buzz, and then locked it in place again with the screws. 

Steve silently thanked whatever god was up there when Tonys hearbeat started slowing down, and the irritating beeping of the machine winded down, beacuse he was dangerously close to having a heart attack after all. 

                                                                                               ______________

Back at the bunker/cave/whatever the hell it was, Clint, Thor and Natasha were done beating the shit out of the big and angry guards and were trying to get to the exit. That proved to be a bit trickier than expected, as every hallway looked the same and the stairs were sort of blocked by a big stone that apparantly had fell. It didn't help either of them that they didn't kown if their friend was alive or not. 

"Bruce, this is Natasha, we are on our way up, but a big rock is in our way. Also, would you mind telling us if our teammate is alive or not?" 

It was tense a couple of seconds as they waited for an answer, but when Bruce’s answer came through all of them visbly sacked and let out a big breath. The speaker sparked but Bruce’s relif was clear in his voice aswell. 

"Natahsa, this is Bruce, Tony will be okay. I’ve changed his arc-reactor, i don't know about broken bones, but I'm pretty sure he cracked a few ribs, and his foot is definitely broken. He took a mean beating. We are almost back at the tower and there Helen and her team will take over, Steve has asked JARVIS to send a suit to you guys, it shoud arrive in a few minutes. I hope Thor can give one of you a ride while the suit can take the other one, just come right back to the tower." 

Natasha gave a quick ok back and after 2 mintues they heard a big thud as the rock was lifted to the side, they heard Bruce’s voice in the speakers of the iron man suit, and as it decended onto the ground from the stairs Bruce started explaining. 

"So I'm sort of controlling the suit if shit hits the fan but JARVIS will be the one to take one of you home, Clint, hop onboard, Thor, take Natasha with you and follow the suit." 

"What? Hold up, hold up, hold up. Why do i have to fly with the suit? I was in god damn capity?" Clint exclaimed, once again irritated. 

"That’s exactly why, we don't know if you have a concussion or any broken bones, therefore, the iron man suit." Bruce swiftly replied, while the suit had strode up to Clint and was now expectanly waiting on him to _jump up into his arms._

"OH HELL NO, I’m not getting carried bridalstyle by a fucking tin can in public!" 

"Yes you will, now shut up and get into his arms, JARVIS will take over from here, get straight to medical ok?" Bruce hung up with a small click and Clint had no other choice than to accept the arm around his back and jump up with both of his feet to meet the iron man suits other arms. JARVIS hooked the arm in the hollow of clint knee and he was off. 

When they arrived at the exit of the underground bunker, Clint was pretty fucking done, so no one can really blame him for falling asleep, he was going to travel for about an hour in the suits arms, so why not yanno? 

Well, a good reason not to sleep was to spy for paparazzis, which he didn't. So it wasn't that odd when a lucky one got a picture of the iron man suit coming out of the entrance, carrying a sleeping Clint bridal style and taking of towards the tower. 

The photographer had of course heard that two of the Avengers were kidnapped and took a quick picture to make the headlines. 

The writer for the newspaper had also heard of the kidnapping.

The day after everyone were gathered in Tony's room in the medic-area in the tower and when the avengers got to see the very untrue and slightly romantic headline: 

"IRON MAN OR IRON SAVIOUR?" With the picture of the empty iron man suit beneath, they all got a good laugh. Tony had to put his oxygen mask back on and Clint fell out of the chair. Bruce chocked on his salad and all was well in the world again.  

On a completely different note Steve had broken the syringe he was holding and had to get up and get another one. 

Natasha smiled to herself where she was sat, curled up in a bean bag with Bruce on her right and Sam on her left. Tony was breathing deeply into the mask while trying not to burst out again, and Clint was on the floor rolling in laughter. 

Her smile faltered for a moment, watching Steve get a odd face and break the syringe. But it came back full force once she realised what was going on. 

Oh how she was going to have fun with this. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a shot everytime Clint complains about something.


	4. Baby got back! (But he ain't that tall)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint is tired of seeing Steve and Tony dance around eachother and have decided to do something about it. 
> 
> Well, Tony is mostly doing something that ends up looking wrong all on his own, but still, Clint are a part of that something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, hey! 
> 
> I thought i would apologize right off the bat for not posting chapters. Its been a bit over 2 months since the last one and I'm trying, but school is a pain in my ass and I've just lost all my motivation. But I'm back for now at least so let's make the best of it. 
> 
> I hate unfinished books just as much as you so let's try to do this! 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments always makes my day and i would really love it if you could leave something. 
> 
> Plus for the last chapter before Steve and Tony gets their heads out of their asses needs to be something special, so give me some requests or recommendations in the comments!

Weather you liked it or not, if you were in the tower on a Friday night, you were going to play truth or dare. It was a sacred rule that stood without exceptions. (Except that one time when Clint had gotten into a coma and therefor was unable to participate, but still.)

So when Tony went up for air after a 32 hour binge in the workshop, Clint jumped him as fast as possible, reminding him of the date and what it meant. Tony had of course no clue what day it was (He thought it was Thursday), but happily obliged once enlightened with the day. It was still only 10 o clock in the morning so Tony had a chance to shower, eat and sleep before the time rolled around. Steve would not let Tony drink any coffee unless he was going to a meeting off somewhere important, or if he had slept at least 6 hours. 

Once Clint had made sure that Tony wasn't going to fall asleep standing in the elevator, he raced off to Natasha's floor for some one on one conversation. No, not that kind, he actually had something important to say to Natasha. Once he got of the elevator, he went and knocked on Natasha's bedroom door. Maybe she was sitting in there reading or something. 

"Come in, unless you're Clint, then please fuck off and go away." A voice answered, that clearly belonged to one redheaded assassin. 

"But come ooonnnn... Natasha it's about Tony." 

"Oh fine, come in then- She said, and when Clint opened the door she was sat on her bed. A book payed beside her and she had her hair up in a messy bun. Looking very relaxed and welcoming, but Clint knew that somewhere in those sweatpants, a sharp knife was hidden and he would really rather not find out where. 

"So what's our residential idiot done now?" 

"It's not what he's done, it's more like what he _hasn't_ done." Natasha raised one perfectly plucked eyebrow at that and Clint went on to explain. 

"Yeah, like, he looks at Steve like he hung the moon. But when either of those idiots come in a one meter radio of each other he immediately steps back. Or gets up from the couch, like what the fuck?!" Clint exclaimed, finally letting his irritation at the whole situation come out in one, big, messy, sentence. Natasha slowly closed her book on the bookmark that she had conveniently placed beside her, then stood up and went over to her mirror opposite the bed. 

"I understand your frustration, I really do. And that is why me, Sam and Thor already have come up with an idea as to how we are going to get these two idiots together. Because god knows Steve isn't any better." She almost sighted out, like it was physically tiring her to say that sentence, which, fair enough Clint guessed. 

"Oh I am so in on whatever this plan is." 

"Hmm, we'll see about that." She says, moving closer to quietly whisper the plan into Clint's ear, afraid that JARVIS would hear and tell on them to Tony. Never mind that JARVIS is just as tired of having conversations with Tony on how soft Steve's hair looks or how nice it would be to feel his abs than the rest of them. 

"WHAT THE FUCK? NO! THERE'S NO WAY I'M STICKING MY TOUNGE DOWN TONY'S THROAT JUST SO STEVE CAN PUNCH ME FOR TAKING HIS 'BOYFRIEND'!" 

"Clint, come on, think about it for a while, it's still at least five hours until dinner, and then a little while after before we actually start to play, just tell me what you decide then." Natasha answered, conveniently sharpening her nails with her new knife.

But Clint knows her mind games and that that is just a threat. That is also why Clint swallows very loudly and quickly scurries out of her bedroom before she strangles him with her hair. He's seen her do it on a AIM-officer before and he would  _not_ like to experience that first hand. 

                                                                                   ______________________

When dinnertime rolls around, Tony is just about as noticing of that as he is off Steve's feelings towards him. Which means he doesn't have a single fucking clue what time it is, never mind that Clint had told him just a few hours before, or maybe it was a day? You know, Tony didn't know. Period. 

So that's why he kind of jerked when he hears footsteps on the tiles and knocked his head into the exhaust pipe of the car he was working on. he may have also shouted a few swearwords about if the person did that again he would shove the exhaust pipe so far up their asses smoke would be coming out of their mouths. 

That's when he got rolled out from under the car and came face to face with Steve. 

"Because I'll make sur.. oh hiii." He cut himself off. 

"Yeah, hi, it's six thirty and time for dinner." Steve replied with a fond expression on his face, offering his hand so Tony could take it and pull him up. 

"Ok, ok, wait it's already six thirty? JARVIS save the blueprints that I made, and the notes as well." Tony answered as he took Steve's hand and Steve pulled him up. 

"Yeah, how long have you been down here for? Please tell me you have slept." 

"Uuuhh, it's friday right? And yeah I slept.." Tony said, confused as he tired to figure out what day it was. The dork. 

"Sir, if I may interrupt. Yes it's Friday, and you have not slept in 38 hours if you don't count the 2 hour nap you took this afternoon. 

"Yeah, look at that! I'm practically running on a full nights, well, days, sleep!" Tony proclaimed. 

"A full night's sleep is eight hours Tony," Steve answered back, "You need to eat, drink something other than coffee, and then go to sleep." 

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you say Capsicle." Tony shot back, now a bit distracted. That was when Steve noticed that he still hadn't let Tony's hand go and immediately dropped it as if it would burn him. They shared an awkward glance and then Tony turned around and started walking towards the doors. Steve followed. 

When they entered the kitchen, the rest of the team was already there. Bruce was standing at the stove, stirring something that smelled of curry. Beside him Thor was chopping up all kinds of veggies; peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes and carrots. Natasha was handing Sam plates, who handed Clint the plates, who then placed them on the big dining table. It was all a big mess, but one really team-y and famil-y mess. 

Bruce looked up from where he was stirring the curry and smiled at them. 

"Hey, it's almost done, if you can get the cutlery and glasses we're good to go." He told them and Tony and Steve did as told and started getting the stuff neccesary. Tony went to get the glasses, but soon realised that _somebody_ had put the glasses on the highest shelf, so high that even Thor and Steve couldn't reach it. And it could've only been one certain tweety bird that did this shit,

"Barton, you fucker, help me get the glasses down or so help me god I will punch you square in the face." 

"Okay, okay, jesus stop being so fucking pissy about it." Clint answered back with a joking tone. Winking at Natasha, huh, she had had a hand in this as well then. Before moving towards Tony and holding his hands out. 

Now, you're probably thinking something along the lines of them sort off climbing up onto the counter and then from there getting the glasses, but no, my dear friend. That is not what Clint is thinking, because he's gonna make sure that Steve gets just as jealous as possible. And that is why, when he got to where Tony was standing, said: 

"Well, i'm gonna have to lift you. Because you and I can't climb on that counter and we both know it." 

"What? Clint that counter is so strong that the Hulk could do the macarena on it and it wouldnt budge. JARVIS, please help me here." 

"I'm sorry sir, but that is one of the none-hulk-dancing-proof counters." JARVIS' smooth voice filled the room. And if a AI could have emotions, JARVIS' voice would be filled with misschief and a tiny bit of fake apology. Clint smiled at that, becuase he had danced ontop of that same counter with Natahsa and it hadn't budged even a tiny bit. Thank god for JARVIS' teamwork. 

"Well, you've gotta lift me then, I guess, remind me to make every counter hulk proof as well JARVIS." Tony sighted, finally realising his fate. 

Now, despite what you may think, Clint had worked out quite a bit and could acually lift Tony with very little difficuly, it may also have a bit to do with Tony not eating enough and losing a few pounds here and there, but he still maintained a healthy weight, just on the lighter side. If Steve or Pepper or any of the team really got to know that he was underweight then he would get forcefed three times a day no joke. 

Anyway, Clint was opting for his thighs, he really was. He didn't wanna be _that_ teammate yanno. But his hand sort of slipped halfway through lifting Tony and slid up a tiny bit. And boom, an assgrab. And it wasn't like he could let go because then Tony would fall, so he just stood there, awkwardly, while Tony got the glasses. 

Once Tony signalized that he wanted to go down, Clint just stood there for a awkward while... before Tony wiggled his ass a bit and then Clint finally got a grip and started moving his hands around to try and catch Tony when he sort of fell down. 

But before Tony got down ha decided to add a cheeky comment, just because Tony felt like it would be awkward afterwards if he didn't. 

"If you wanted to get your hands on my ass all you had to do was ask" Tony play-flirted, making it very obvious that it was a joke, Clint laughed as he let Tony down and let go of his ass. 

"Honestly, you should've told me that earlier, if I knew it was that easy then I wouldn't have had to get all the glasses up to the top shelf." Clint joked back. 

"Are you fuck- it was you?! You little asshole!" 

"I thought it was your ass we were focusing on?" Clint joked back, feigning suprise. 

"Shut up." Tony answered back, but wiggled his ass a bit as he walked away.

And that's when he heard the first cough, then a second, third, fourthfifthsixthseventh all followed in rapid speed after each other. He looked up, and Bruce was, of course chocking on the curry that he had sample-tasted just seconds before Tony's ass-wiggle, thankfully Thor came to the rescue and thumped Bruce on the back a couple of times before Bruce finally got the coughs down. 

Tony then looked to his right and found a very red Steve looking back at him, Tony met his gaze and Steve immediately looked away, and instead of a pig-ish pink, his skin now turned into a vibrant tomato-red. Tony looked down a bit, and saw that the cutlery had been bent, by none other than the residential super solider himself. Like, a fork had been bent in the midle and was almost 90 degrees and not in a good way. Well fuck, how were they gonna eat now? 

Now, you may think that they could just get another set out, but the night before they had eaten takeout and therefor most of the forks were in the dishwasher. And after a unfortunate accident with the Hulk the comunalfloors kitchen now had half of the cutlery than it had before. 

Thankfully, Tony had more than one kitchen in the tower, and therefore more than enough cutlery to use and serve the whole R&D department, nonetheless, there was cutlery to be found in more than one place. Steve also realised that and and jerked around and walked towards the doors that led to one of many, elevators. 

"I'm getting-cutlery, yes.. be right back." He stammered forth, as he was making his very obvious retreat. If he thought he was making a very planed and calm exit, he could dream on, everyone knew what he acually was going to do. Except for Tony, it seemed. 

"Huh, somebody got a bit embarassed, well let's not wait for him because it was only like 4 forks and we can eat with a spoon, right? Tony turned the question to the team, who just mutedly nodded and all sat down. Still in a bit of a shock that Tony didn't have a damn clue about what Steve _really_ was going to do. 

Over the table, Natasha and Clint winked at eachother, part one comeplete. 

                                                                                                     ____________________  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this little number, once again, comments and kudos are always appreciated and please leave requests or suggestions to what the last chapter is going to be!


End file.
